07 June 2014

The Rich, Sweet and Never Ending Journey

When people asked me why I was going travelling, I blindly said “to see the world”.  I didn’t really know why I was going but I knew I needed to. There was a pull or a push, I’m not quite sure which. My dad was convinced it was some failing on his part and my mum was thrilled that I was going to her dream that never quite happened. 
I wanted to see the world yes.  But that definitely wasn’t my main motivation.  In fact, I don’t think I realised why I went travelling until about a year after I got back.  A friend who I met in New Zealand emailed me and asked me why I decided to go overseas.  The truth is I needed to find out what I believed in.  What I was passionate about.  What I stood for. I needed to build my values and my dreams so that I could go out there and live by those values and follow those dreams. 
I had spent most of my teenage years inside my own head, worrying what people thought and just trying to fit in.  The last thing I wanted to do was to stand out.  I was so constantly pained by what others thought of me that I sometimes feel that I wasted chunks of my life.  My mind was always busy talking at me with negative crap and I had no self-esteem and no real respect for myself.  I still struggle now!  I recently got a really high grade for an assignment and the first thing I thought was that it must be a typo.  If I get congratulated or rewarded I always doubt whether it is genuine.   The truth is that in a desperate attempt to not stand out, I followed other people.  I was a sheep!  I shared other people’s opinions and agreed with other people’s beliefs and It was time that I developed my own. 
I always admire people who can be in relationships from a young age and still grow as a person, even though you are with somebody else.  I didn’t feel that I could grow as a person while I was still living the same life.  I needed to remove myself from the situation and go off into the world to start my journey of self-discovery.  Who was I when I wasn’t trying to be like everybody else?
What I didn’t realise is that once you start the journey, it doesn’t ever end.  The journey of who you are is a continuous and wonderful lesson.  A lesson that becomes full of such richness when you start to pay it attention. 
After returning home after four years of seeing and experiencing some absolutely incredible things and meeting amazing people, my heart was so open.  I had spent the last month in India in an ashram and I returned home feeling full of clarity, love and surety.  The ashram had provided me with a lot of new information that was buzzing all around me.  This information was like a truth I had always known.  It was like coming home.  But the theoretical home coming was very different to the physical home coming and the real lesson was only just beginning. 
The new me arrived home to the old world.  I had a lot of new information to process, new values to put into practise and a new found knowing.  But I didn’t know how to deal with all of that in a whirlwind of being reunited with friends and family in a conditioned culture.  The only way I knew how to socialise was to go out drinking and before long I was worrying about getting a job and having enough money.   I was doing my regular asana practise and going to meditation sessions.  I was having early nights and discovered yoga in cooking and walking to work.  But in between this I was slowly but surely giving myself away.  I was allowing my Self, my light, to be clouded over again.  My job which provided me with financial security was so far removed from my Dharma that my energy was gradually moving off balance.  My boyfriend who I really loved was also creating an imbalance as I felt pulled between the old and new world. 
The issue was that I could not work out how to get my Self back.  Before long my yoga practice had been replaced with nights out in restaurants and all my time spent with my boyfriend and friends and I was living and working in the city. I was enjoying life and having some lovely experiences but I was also fading inside.  A light that once shone so bright was not visible anymore and I feared that it would go out for good if I didn’t act.  I found myself in tears on a regular basis but I found it impossible to articulate what was wrong.  Mostly, I think, because I hadn’t given myself enough time to process the information I had received.  I knew something was amiss but I could not really piece it all together.  I didn’t give it time to resonate with me.  This incredible, life changing experience coincided with my grand return to an old and strange world. 

The process of change was gradual inside but the actions were sudden.  After a contemplative holiday to The Gambia where I was given space, love, inspiration and wise words from friends I returned home and turned my life around.  I started a MSc in a subject I am passionate about, I quit my job and moved to the countryside and away from friends and family and broke up with my boyfriend.  The rapid volume of change nearly broke me and the on-going hurt of breaking up with somebody I loved because I simply knew it wasn’t right is still there.  But every now and then I get glimpses of something special, something familiar.  It happened this weekend when I was surrounded by nature and conscious souls.  It happens when I step off the hamster wheel.  It happens when I am away from technology and back to basics.  I know that I need to keep following the signposts, staying conscious and keeping my heart open.  The journey is hard when everybody around you seems to be walking in the opposite direction but one of the main lessons I have received from this journey is not to change direction if it is right for me.  Stay strong and true, even if it means being different.