When people asked me why I was going travelling, I blindly
said “to see the world”. I didn’t really
know why I was going but I knew I needed to. There was a pull or a push, I’m
not quite sure which. My dad was convinced it was some failing on his part and
my mum was thrilled that I was going to her dream that never quite happened.
I wanted to see the world yes. But that definitely wasn’t my main
motivation. In fact, I don’t think I realised
why I went travelling until about a year after I got back. A friend who I met in New Zealand emailed me
and asked me why I decided to go overseas.
The truth is I needed to find out what I believed in. What I was passionate about. What I stood for. I needed to build my values
and my dreams so that I could go out there and live by those values and follow
those dreams.
I had spent most of my teenage years inside my own head,
worrying what people thought and just trying to fit in. The last thing I wanted to do was to stand
out. I was so constantly pained by what
others thought of me that I sometimes feel that I wasted chunks of my life. My mind was always busy talking at me with negative
crap and I had no self-esteem and no real respect for myself. I still struggle now! I recently got a really high grade for an assignment
and the first thing I thought was that it must be a typo. If I get congratulated or rewarded I always doubt
whether it is genuine. The truth is that in a desperate attempt to
not stand out, I followed other people.
I was a sheep! I shared other
people’s opinions and agreed with other people’s beliefs and It was time that I
developed my own.
I always admire people who can be in relationships from a
young age and still grow as a person, even though you are with somebody
else. I didn’t feel that I could grow as
a person while I was still living the same life. I needed to remove myself from the situation
and go off into the world to start my journey of self-discovery. Who was I when I wasn’t trying to be like
everybody else?
What I didn’t realise is that once you start the journey, it
doesn’t ever end. The journey of who you
are is a continuous and wonderful lesson.
A lesson that becomes full of such richness when you start to pay it
attention.
After returning home after four years of seeing and
experiencing some absolutely incredible things and meeting amazing people, my
heart was so open. I had spent the last
month in India in an ashram and I returned home feeling full of clarity, love
and surety. The ashram had provided me
with a lot of new information that was buzzing all around me. This information was like a truth I had
always known. It was like coming home. But the theoretical home coming was very
different to the physical home coming and the real lesson was only just
beginning.
The new me arrived home to the old world. I had a lot of new information to process,
new values to put into practise and a new found knowing. But I didn’t know how to deal with all of
that in a whirlwind of being reunited with friends and family in a conditioned
culture. The only way I knew how to
socialise was to go out drinking and before long I was worrying about getting a
job and having enough money. I was doing my regular asana practise and
going to meditation sessions. I was
having early nights and discovered yoga in cooking and walking to work. But in between this I was slowly but surely
giving myself away. I was allowing my
Self, my light, to be clouded over again.
My job which provided me with financial security was so far removed from
my Dharma that my energy was gradually moving off balance. My boyfriend who I really loved was also
creating an imbalance as I felt pulled between the old and new world.
The issue was that I could not work out how to get my Self
back. Before long my yoga practice had
been replaced with nights out in restaurants and all my time spent with my
boyfriend and friends and I was living and working in the city. I was enjoying
life and having some lovely experiences but I was also fading inside. A light that once shone so bright was not
visible anymore and I feared that it would go out for good if I didn’t
act. I found myself in tears on a
regular basis but I found it impossible to articulate what was wrong. Mostly, I think, because I hadn’t given
myself enough time to process the information I had received. I knew something was amiss but I could not
really piece it all together. I didn’t
give it time to resonate with me. This
incredible, life changing experience coincided with my grand return to an old
and strange world.
The process of change was gradual inside but the actions
were sudden. After a contemplative
holiday to The Gambia where I was given space, love, inspiration and wise words
from friends I returned home and turned my life around. I started a MSc in a subject I am passionate
about, I quit my job and moved to the countryside and away from friends and
family and broke up with my boyfriend.
The rapid volume of change nearly broke me and the on-going hurt of
breaking up with somebody I loved because I simply knew it wasn’t right is
still there. But every now and then I get
glimpses of something special, something familiar. It happened this weekend when I was
surrounded by nature and conscious souls.
It happens when I step off the hamster wheel. It happens when I am away from technology and
back to basics. I know that I need to
keep following the signposts, staying conscious and keeping my heart open. The journey is hard when everybody around you
seems to be walking in the opposite direction but one of the main lessons I
have received from this journey is not to change direction if it is right for
me. Stay strong and true, even if it
means being different.
